In on it.

In on it.

I can't remember the amount of times 'they' showed up in my life, always playing the moral high ground. I had absorbed a wall of inferiority, shame, and embarrassment, but only white males knew. Their private knowledge made them popular and well-liked. None of us knew the real story. This went on from the 90s well into the 2000s, and still goes on. I'd been watched for who knows how long. Keyloggers on my computer, eyes over my shoulder from strange people and uncomfortable coincidences from day one. Their feminism was to put all males to blame but use their scripted rationale of self-acceptance people like me weren't capable of. And so I became the embarrassment. I remember feeling debilitating levels of guilt and shame for years, but they did it to glean reaction points from my struggling. They pick at me even now. All i'd like is to leave and never come back.

It is like living in a state of conflict without end. It is always about dominance and control. Communication, openness, and that feeling of doing a thing for the goodness of life are stifled. It gets so well stifled you learn how to suppress it for long periods of time, and it just turns into stress. It takes a lot of work on your heart to turn it back. They are surveillance fetishists who act like petulant children with smug remarks and lying faces. I lived with one of them for 7 years. He loved tom lykis and hated women. The prevailing trend that was so well diffused in the males of my generation was women are selfish, will divorce you, and only want to hurt your life and take your stuff. They tried to turn us against each other as much as possible. I found out mom tortured him with coat hangers as a kid, and his sisters shot him with bb guns. His dad was an ugly-ass banker, so they were probably deep into the system. My brother-in-law is the same way. When I moved to Victoria in 2011, he tried until 2016 to get under my skin. He's in the military and his mom's a banker (he's also short and looks like a turd). He tried very hard to get me into the Navy, but I think they're a bunch of assholes.

I think the agenda was inter-gender conflict, regardless of identity. But mixed in with a flawed sense of identity politics as it relates to science and the deeper meanings of life. You know, butt stuff. A lot of people my age seem under that kind of brainwashing. So many assholes with stupid ideas experimenting with families who just wanted to be happy and do the right thing. And as soon as you call them out, they bug out into extremes and break something down to the point of meaninglessness to try kill your argument. My higgs programming (long story) was very strange. It was like they put me into scenarios of trying to understand my sexual orientation, and relate it to some scientific idea to describe human nature in some way? It was like they had it made up in their minds what it was, and kept trying to tune situations to prove themselves right. I strongly feel they thought it was rooted in gayness, and tried hard to push it in that direction. Random gay men have haunted the periphery of my life since mid 90s... You know how these things go. Just like they haunt the periphery of their experimental pets. Even the programming was designed around that idea. This is how stupid they are. This is how obsessed they are with trying to justify their false ideas about nature. I'm a living example of that. Oh, and their belief was mass must mean fat people, so late in the game (like 2013-2016) very fat women came into the fold. Then it was a mix of fat women and gay men. Many mysterious actors along the way, all of them wrong. Why are people this stupid? I am trying to hold back the rage. All of their smug looks and crap faces. So fucking stupid.